Since arriving home from the RMI, we have had a couple of weeks to stay off work and enjoy being home together. It has been very nice to say the least and a very good opportunity for us to bond as a family. Quite frankly, I am not looking forward to going back to work at all! I NEVER thought I would say that! It has been so nice spending these last 9 weeks with my family. I never thought I would say that either!LOL There aren't many families that have the opportunity to go to a foreign country for 5 weeks where there is nothing to do but spend time together with no responsibilities or pressures of home and work. As miserable as the trip was at times, it was also a blessing and allowed for some much needed reflection.
Most of the past year prior to this trip I have spent overworked, overstressed and looking back on time wondering where it went. Wyatt and I see each other in passing and communicate through text messages. This trip was going to be the longest amount of time we have spent together EVER! Kind of a scary thought when you really think about it. Not that I don't love my husband or family but work has sometimes been a respite for me.
Now, as our family has grown I know that work will be a burden on Wyatt, me and our kids. I work so many hours and often it leaves Wyatt to take care of Collin and now it will be Collin and Tyler. I felt guilty before but now I'm certain I will feel more guilty than ever. I knew before Tyler came that most likely I could not keep up the pace with a baby and a 4 year old-at least not if I want to see them grow up and keep my husband! =*) Now reality is sinking in. As the time grows closer to the return to the rat race, I feel the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's the stress of being pulled in 100 different directions and the pressure of trying to be the the best at everything but not really being good at much of anything because I am spread too thin.
I enjoy all of my roles...at times. I love the feeling of accomplishment at work and but not the constant demand of my time and attention. Especially when I am at home in mom mode, which is very different from work mode. It is hard to be in both roles at once. It would be much easier if there was a dedicated 8 hours to be "work Heather" and the rest of the time I could just be "Mama". The same goes for "Mama" time. I love being with my kids but sometimes I need a mental health break. It is also incredibly difficult to stray from "work" to "Mama" when I get calls from Nana's house that someone is sick or unhappy. But, I also enjoy the accomplished feeling of watching my kids grow and become whatever it is they will become. And therein lies my conflict (and I'm sure that of every other working mother).
Not to mention trying to be a good wife. Relationships are hard work and I think Wyatt and I both know from experience that if you don't put in the work they can slip away very quickly and sometimes you don't see it until it is too late. This trip was an opportunity for us to reconnect and be forced to communicate. I'm the type of person that needs a certain amount of space and "alone" time but it is amazing how much I realized that I love spending time with my husband. I love watching him being a father and seeing that side of him. I'm so glad that he will have the opportunity to shape and mold our sons into the men they will become. And as much as I love "being the boss" and "running everything" I enjoyed joint discussion and making decisions together. Since we have been home we have been doing more things together rather than separately and I really enjoy that. He's still a horrible shopper though-LOL!! But, I know he says the same about me!
I guess this journey, just like Collin's, was a very eye opening experience for me. It was so different in so many ways. Until I really started thinking about it, it seemed like such a miserable experience-other than the fact we got Tyler of course! When I look at this time; what I have learned and what I will be able to take from all of it, it's becoming a much better experience. I think the most important thing I am going to take from it though is that I need to focus on my family first. Work will go on without me if I drop off the face of the earth tomorrow. My family would not.
