Testing 1,2,3...

Yesterday I had "one of those days". I don't feel very proud of myself as a mom or a person in general. I'm pretty sure I failed the test. These aren't the moments that I like to write about but I hope they are moments that all moms go through. Collin may have been here for three years but I'm still new at this. This is my first time dealing with a three year old and sometimes I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. Do you ever really know exactly what to do? Will it get better the second time around?

So, here's the story. I signed Collin up for swimming lessons and yesterday was our first class. I have been trying to talk it up and make it sound fun and exciting. I even quoted Little Bill "Guppy Guppy Guppy". Of course I got the usual questions...Are you going with me? Are you going to hold me? So, I told him I would be there the whole time watching from the edge of the pool with all the other mommies and daddies. I told him it would be really fun because he would be with other kids his age and maybe we could meet some new friends to play with.

I should have known when he refused to put on his swim trunks that it wasn't going to be good. I'm not one of those parents that wants to force their kid into activities but Collin loves the beach and the pool and we are talking about moving to the lake in a couple of years-the kid needs to know how to swim!! He has never shown fear of the water, he just has some unique aversions to certain things...like group activities. I like to think he's a rebel. When the other kids are in a circle singing nursery rhymes he stands up in the middle and belts out "Take me out to the ballgame". He plays well with other kids, I mean as well as you can expect for a 3 year old. So, we went to swim lessons in regular shorts. I try to pick my battles with him and I chose the swim lessons not the attire.

As soon as we pulled in the parking lot the whining started. We signed in and headed toward the pool. That is when the official FREAK OUT began. The screaming, crying, idonwannagomama, squirming, if I put him down he runs away kind of freak out. Needless to say I am certain we were a topic of conversation for the rest of the session. "You better never act like that little Johnny" I can hear it now. Yep, he was that kid and I was that mom!

I did my best to remain calm and pulled out all of my best mom calming techniques to no avail. This went on for about 15 minutes and class hadn't even started yet! I decided that this was not going to work. Although I had no clue what the problem was, he was inconsolable and that is the most frustrating thing as a parent. I didn't know if I was doing irreversible damage by forcing him into it or by not making him do it but at that point I didn't really care, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I went out to the office and spoke to the lady at the desk. Of course as soon as we crossed the threshold of the door from the pool to the office, the freak out ended-he was getting his way. So, I told her that it wasn't going to work out right now and asked her if we could get a credit for a later date. She asked what the problem was-obviously they must have noise proof glass around that office 'cause if she didn't hear the problem for the last 15 minutes, I'd be happy to go pull one of the 20 parents currently thanking God that we were gone to let her know the problem. I politely explained that he was being a little uncooperative at the moment and perhaps we had attempted this too soon. "Well Ma'am if that's all, we can 't do anything for you. We really suggest that you go back in and at least try to get him to participate. You could always just watch today and see if it gets better tomorrow. Some kids are just slow to warm up." Thanks Dr. Spock, I think I freaking know my kid and this is NOT going to work but if you insist, sure, I'll go back in and piss everybody off. Hence, the beginning my decent into the realm of not very proud of myself.

We went back through the door and it was like we never left...but worse!! I could see the terror in the eyes of the nice, sweet little 16 year old girl teaching the class when REDRUM and his mama were headed back her way. I felt obligated to let her know that this was the doing of the sweet lady in the office and I hoped that it didn't start a chain reaction. I know if I saw someone kicking and screaming like a maniac on my first day of a class that I would probably turn and run for the hills.

I stood there attempting to maintain a choke hold on my child as he valiantly attempted to free himself from certain death. I was dripping sweat, my blood pressure was through the roof and I was beginning to have thoughts that I don't ever want to let past my lips-none of which was accomplishing my child learning to swim. I decided it was time to go-screw the $60! We walked through the magic door once again and just as Collin's blood curdling shrieking came to an abrupt halt..there she was...looking at me the wrong way...and then she has the nerve to say, in her most condescending tone "Have a nice day".  Yep, she poked the mama bear-bad news for everyone. Hence, my entrance into the land of no return!

 I walked my sweaty, heavy breathing, maniac kid toting self over to the counter, slammed my fist on it then pointed my witchy finger at the 10 ring right between her eyes and told her the keep the f*cking $60 and shove her nice day up her ass then proceeded to storm out, adding a nice door slamming for effect-as if I hadn't done enough. Yes, it felt really good for a split second and yes, it would have felt even better to hop over the counter and punch the "B" in the face but a second later I was drowning in regret. Nice example mom! Luckily I didn't have to suffer the repercussions of punching her in the face or shattering the glass door when I slammed it, but still, what am I teaching my kid?

But wait, it doesn't end there. I "placed" my poor child in his car seat in a non-loving manner and then proceeded to drive off like an idiot. Collin started yelling and crying that he wanted to get an apple dipper from McDonald's-are you freaking kidding me!?!?! And then, my biggest regret, I yelled at him to "Shut up"...really loud! Now, some of you may think that is no big deal and others may think "I would never do that" so feel free to judge me either way. I can assure you that no one can beat me up worse than me!

I hate the words "shut up" and I definitely do not consider it an appropriate thing to say to a 3 year old for many reasons. The even worse part is that he started bawling which immediately snapped me out of my selfish rant and made me feel really disgusted with myself. I was acting exactly like what I despise-the people I deal with on a daily basis at work. People that have no control of their emotions, no coping skills and act purely on emotion with no regard for consequence. It was the first time I had really been "out of control" with Collin. In that moment I understood, I think, how someone crosses the line and abuses a child. I also realized that I am so NOT that person. I could never do that. But, had I lived a different life or had a different upbringing, had I never learned to practice self-control and the many other skills required to be a functioning adult, I could see how it could happen. I am most definitely NOT condoning that behavior. Quite frankly, I devote a lot of thought attempting to understand how and why people do what they do to each other, especially someone they supposedly love. Let me tell you that moment scared the crap out of me and made me feel really ashamed of myself , my behavior and the example I set for my son. Honestly, I can't believe I am even writing about it on the blog-not a proud moment!

I pulled the car over and collected myself for a moment. I got out and went around to Collin's door, opened it and gave him a big hug and told him I was sorry for yelling at him and that it was not a nice thing to say. I felt like a complete idiot.

Once I recovered a bit, my mind began to question why Collin was behaving this way. All the worst case scenarios began swirling in my head...he's got attachment issues, he's got Aspergers Syndrome, he's got a sensory disorder an and on and on. I burned up Google as soon as we got home so that we could get help fast for whatever issue it was that he was  having. Luckily, my common sense kicked back in when I realized he was not any of the things I was reading about on the Internet!
When Wyatt got home, I reluctantly told him about what had happened. I say reluctant not because I was ashamed of myself for yelling at Collin, but because I know he feels that I am too "soft" with Collin and that I "coddle" him, so I knew what was coming. Of course, I completely disagree with his observation. I think there are fundamental differences between men and women. Men love in one way and women in another. Wyatt and both meet Collin's needs in different ways. I think we both play a role and in those roles we balance each other out. If it were just me raising him then I would have to change the way that I deal with some situations, but it's not. I am his mom and I want to be the one that comforts him and provides him with the security of knowing I will always be there for him. I want to be the compassionate one that he can go to when he needs someone to lean on and the one that can always make him feel better. At the same time, I don't want him to be a big brat that nobody likes except his mommy =*) Is that so wrong?

Well, as I suspected, he said it, but he said it nicely so that helped. Regardless, it still made me puddle up. You try so hard to be the best mom you can be. You want to do everything right and then someone has to go and burst your bubble by questioning your tactics...and at a time when you are feeling like you are the worst of the worst.

I guess in the end it simply came down to a bad day for all of us. I suppose that this is what the whole "parenting" thing is about. I guess I will try to take a piece of my own advice... I will do my best to learn from my mistakes and hopefully not repeat them!